The Never-Ending Fatigue of Accepting Yourself
“Everybody is identical in their secret unspoken belief that way deep down they are different from everyone else.”— David Foster Wallace
“The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.” — David Foster Wallace
“We’re all lonely for something we don’t know we’re lonely for., How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we’ve never even met?” — David Foster Wallace
“How odd I can have all this inside of me and to you it’s just words.” — David Foster Wallace
Do you ever wonder about creating a theory of your own mind?
We go through life, being told to look within ourselves, to then gather self-knowledge about that inner self. Some call this an inner truth or ‘my truth’ others might call this an escape into delusion.
Why? Because that inner truth becomes an illusionary and self-made narrative that we hope has enough myth to provide us a sense of awe and peace, but yet is grounded enough, in reality, to be validated back to us from our interactions in the world.
The idea of making yourself feel special enough, but not too much where your ego will become unbound.
The act of creating relationships with other people, but not too much where you’re being overly reliant on their validation.
The method of accepting yourself, but not too much where you allow yourself to deny any criticism of your actions.
We walk on this fine line in life of truth and myth, fact and fiction, myth and reality. We do all of this to maintain a semblance of sanity, to allow us to feel as though we have a place here, to then allow ourselves to embrace enough uncertainty, but not too much where all we live within is that uncertainty.
An embrace of pure certainty swallows us into delusional oblivion, but so does an embrace of pure uncertainty.
We need both to survive, but we need to be aware of the line between the two. The line itself can become all-consuming.
The Fatigue of Becoming Yourself
But some days I cannot help but feel like a collection of atoms in a bag, held together by gravity. And then, in contrast, the days where you feel as though you could set the world on fire.
It’s weird, we live in a world that constantly tells us to love ourselves, but I think the most difficult act of love is not self-love, but rather, other-love.
We love to ask ourselves questions such as am I a good person? Am I lying to myself? Do my actions matter? How are my actions affecting other people? Important questions, yes.
So, all of these thoughts today truly came into my mind after reading this quote from Wallace:
“Acceptance is usually more a matter of fatigue than anything else.”
Maybe life is an eternal become of yourself that is also a never-ending acceptance; an acceptance that becomes the result of a never-ending fatigue, which is a fatigue that too must be made at peace with and accepted.
Now get out of my labyrinth!